Note: This entry is part of this year’s Covert Cupid challenge, in which each host drew three characters from a hat and used them to write a romantic fanfiction short. You can hear them all read aloud in Episode 80 of the podcast.

I went into this fan fic only knowing who one of the characters was; having a vague notion about the fandom of another; and having never even remotely heard of the third. Because of this, there was extensive wiki reading to find out whatever I could about the unknowns, and I ultimately realized I could make basically my entire fic one big lead up to a solid punchline. I hope you will enjoy it, as I was ultimately pretty pleased with and amused by it.


He had never been in such an unusual position. Escaping from Imperial forces with the help of a disgruntled Stormtrooper seemed downright ordinary and boring compared to his current situation. Poe Dameron was on hands and knees, a leather bikini brief with leather suspenders the only items obscuring his otherwise naked – and unspeakably beautiful – form. There was a small one-seater buggy set up behind him, and a slightly bent man, not exactly attractive and not exactly tall, stood at his side, pulling a brush through his hair, while stroking his neck and speaking to him gently.

“Who’s a pretty horse? You’re going to behave and pull me in my buggy, aren’t you, darling?” the man doing the brushing, Miles Vorkosigan, clad in a Steampunk-inspired coachman’s costume and tall top hat (complete with leather goggles), asked gently.

“Well of course I’m going to, why else would I be -” Poe started, then stammered to a stop. “Uh, I mean… naaaaay.”

“That’s better,” said Miles, giving Poe a reassuring pat on the cheek. “Now, you’ve been washed, combed, and groomed to perfection. Now for the bit, the blinders…. and of course, my favorite…” He pulled a riding crop out of his back pocket. “Just in case you need some… encouragement… during our ride.”

Poe could not help the – pardon the expression – swell of excitement he felt when he saw the black leather crop hanging from Miles’ hand. He opened his mouth eagerly, accepting the bit Miles placed in his mouth, and waiting patiently as the blinders were tightened around his head, obstructing his peripheral vision rather effectively.

“What a good horse you are,” said Miles, climbing up into the buggy with a satisfied chuckle. “Now… giddyap!” He cracked the crop down on Poe’s very muscular, very naked buttock, and enjoyed the small jump it caused him to make. Poe was momentarily stunned, but, sensing another stroke about to follow, hastened to “trot” along.

And so they went, around the living room, down the hall, into the bedroom, once around the bed, and back out into the living room, before Poe started to tire. He was in relatively good shape, but even so, he wasn’t sure what sort of work outs would best assist him in hand-and-knee cart-hauling. Practice makes perfect, I suppose, he mused.

Miles stepped off of the buggy, and started to wipe Poe down with a grooming towel, once again whispering encouraging words to him as he worked. Poe was tired, but the caresses that Miles kept giving him while he dried the “lather” from his body seemed to re-energize him, which he found pleasing. Yes, this could truly be the start of a beautiful relationship. Except…

Poe’s ears perked up as he heard keys scratching at the front door. Miles hadn’t mentioned a roommate, certainly not a lover… what on Earth…?

“…oh, shit…” he heard Miles mutter, dropping the grooming rag as the door slammed open.

Poe’s eyes widened and rolled wildly, this time having nothing to do with his adopted horse persona. Standing in the doorway was something he had never seen in his life – a giant purple dragon with a green, bony plates running along it’s head and neck, and a soft-looking green underbelly, was standing in the doorway, arms crossed, mouth agape, and eyes narrowed to menacing slits.

“Miles, what the hell is this?!”

“Uh, hey Spike, let me explain…”

“Explain?! EXPLAIN?!” cried Spike, closing the door behind him. “Yes, I suppose you should explain it – why wouldn’t you have told me if… this… is what you are into? You didn’t have to bring home – whoever that is – we’re supposed to have open communication, Miles, not do things behind each other’s backs. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Spike, I didn’t know what to say – I didn’t mean to betray you, I just didn’t know how to tell you,” cried Miles, falling to his knees before Spike. “Please, don’t be angry with me. I didn’t mean to hurt you!”

“No, no, you misunderstand…” said Spike, grinning a salacious grin as he propped himself against the wall, taking in the scene before him. “If you had told me you were into pony play, I could’ve invited my friends to join us a long time ago. Hold on, I think I still have Rarity on speed dial…”

* * * *

“Jessie, are you really making your dolls bang *again*? Who is it this time, Skipper and GI Joe? Ariel and Mr. Spock? Wait, is that -?”

“Okay, first of all, I’m not *just* making them bang – these are complex relationships, and I would appreciate if you would treat them with the respect they deserve. Second of all – “

“Second of all, you’ve decided that Spike, Poe Dameron, and – is that… where did you even *get* a Miles Vorkosigan action figure?”

Jessie blushed for the first time since being caught with the inappropriately positioned action figures. “I… modified my old Richard III action figure – remember, the one auntie got me at Newbury Comics? Well, he was a hunchback, Miles is a hunchback…”

“So you’re saying that in order to make this unholy… I almost said coupling, but what do you call it when there are three participants….. ORGY! This unholy orgy, you first had to repaint an action figure, so strong was your desire to make Miles Vorkosigan top Poe Dameron?!”

“Hey, NO ONE tops Poe Dameron, okay? But, yes, otherwise you hit the nail on the head.”

“Seriously, Jessie, sometimes I worry about you,” her sister sighed. “Come on, mom says it’s time for dinner.”

“Okay,” said Jessie glumly, discarding the action figures. “Um, you won’t tell mom what I was doing up here, right?”

“Well,” said her sister, giving her a hand up from the floor, “I won’t so long as you do all the dishes tonight. It’s my turn but…” When Jessie started to protest, she raised a hand to interrupt her. “Hey, listen, I think it’s a small price to pay not to wind up in therapy – which, honestly, Miles Vorkosigan? You may need it.”

“Deal,” said Jessie with a sigh. Just as well she got here before the My Little Ponies joined in – then she’d really have a field day

**Author’s note: this was written with very little actual understanding about what goes into pony, or any type, of pet play. If I have missed it by a mile, I apologize. If I offended anyone, I apologize. This was written with nothing but respect for members of the kink community, and those who partake of this type of play. Thank you.